Welcome to Video Game Adaptation Hell

News has been
breaking recently about a plethora of new films derived from video
games, don’t expect the drought of original ideas in Hollywood to go
any time soon.

First up,
Ain’t It Cool News Vin Diesel will portray the shaven-headed contract
killer known only as Agent 47 in a film based on the successful Hitman
games. Funny how a series of games most obviously influenced by
numerous movies is being made into a game. Imagine how derivative this
film could end up looking to people who have never heard of the games,
it’s convenient that the film studios have this ‘video game filter’
they can put these films through in order to make them appear fresh.

Uwe Boll has yet another goddamn film project, he will be wasting his time adapting Postal.
For those who have never played either of the Postal games, they were
average games where a guy basically goes crazy and starts killing
everybody. Boll claims he’ll be keeping all of the ‘original
characters’ but with his own hideous Boll-fied story. I’m sure it will
involve people jumping in the air in slow motion a lot. Add this to the
list of Boll projects based on games that also includes the soon-to-be
critically panned Bloodrayne, Hunter: the Reckoning (did anybody actually play this game?), Dungeonsiege and Far Cry and damnit, I really liked Far Cry too.

Finally, because you idiots actually paid to see the first two, we’re getting two more Resident Evil movies. Part three will be called Resident Evil: Afterlife
and Milla Jovovich returns as Alice, this time they will be shooting in
Australia and pretending it’s a Southwestern American desert. Evidently
American deserts are just out of control when it comes to charging
filming crews these days. Afterlife will be based on a script
by, joy of joys, Paul W. S. Anderson, I’d love to get a look at it and
see the eight million cues for slow motion shots. Part four is already
planned and will be set in Japan, whether it’s a good idea to plan a
third sequel before the second has even started filming remains to be
seen, The Matrix this is not.

Published by

Ramaniscence

Ramaniscence is the remixing moniker of Doug Arley. Doug has been an active member in the OverClocked ReMix community since early 2002, and has made numerous contributions since. In May of 2005 he launched ThaSauce, video game remix news site.